Hilarious Stories Reader Discretion Advised

[Spirithawk]

Subject: Bad Date-This is hilarious!!
>>
>>> We have all had bad dates. But this takes the cake.
>
>>> Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing
>>> first date that a woman ever had.
>
>>> The winner described her worst first date experience.
>>>
>>> There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the
>>> prize!
>
>>> She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold.
>>>
>>> The guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake
>>> City, Utah.
>
>>> It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after
>>> all, and truly had never met before.
>
>>> The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were
>>> headed home late that afternoon.
>
>>> They were driving back down the mountain,
>>>
>>> when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had
>>> that extra latte.
>>> They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and
>>> in the middle of nowhere!
>
>>> Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a
>>> while.
>
>>> Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going,
>
>>> there came a point where she told him that he had better stop
>>> and let her go beside the road,
>>>
>>> or it would be the front seat of his car.
>
>>> They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked
>>> her pants down and started.
>>> In the deep snow she didn't have good footing,
>>>
>>> so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady
>>> herself.
>
>>> Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic
>>> and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking.
>>>
>>> All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the
>>> rather embarrassing nature of the situation.
>>> Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another
>>> sensation.
>
>>> As she bent to pull up her pants,
>>>
>>> the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against
>>> the car's fender.
>
>>> Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as
>>> she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal.
>>>
>>> It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to
>>> the extreme cold.
>>>
>>> Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the
>>> moment,
>>>
>>> she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long"
>>> with a reply that indeed,
>>>
>>> she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance!"
>>
>>> He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her
>>> sweater and then,
>>>
>>> as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.
>>>
>>> She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to
>>> compose themselves,
>>>
>>> they assessed her dilemma.
>>>
>>> Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were
>>> faced with a real problem.
>>>
>>> Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly
>>> cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!
>>
>>> Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the
>>> first place,
>>>
>>> both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her
>>> free.
>>
>>> So, as she looked the other way,
>
>>> her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her
>>> butt off the fender.
>>> As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show
>>> prize hands down... or perhaps that should be "pants down."
> And you thought your first date was embarrassing.
>> Jay Leno's comment "This gives a whole new meaning to being
>>> pissed off.

[Spirithawk]

sorry guys but I couldn't help this one

How a 7 year old explains sex!!!!!!

Body: Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age rather curious.

He had been hearing quite a bit about 'making out' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done.

One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend.

This he did. The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother.

"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured 'Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny.

He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath.

His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot.

Finally, I found out what was making them so sick......-a big eel ;had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long,nhonest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.

When Sis saw it, she got really scared-her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house!

Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off.The eel spit on her face a little bit and then, All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again.

Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a heck of a fight.

Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them.

After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out.

Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again.

I guess eels are like cats- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.

[Tenma]

OMG THOSE ARE HILARIOUS!!! A bit inappropriate but hilarious.

[Spirithawk]

That is why I put the Reader Discretion advised

Cat Lover or Not, this is hysterical!
;

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem
.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!

Why is it that only the women laugh at this?

Hope your week is better than his!!!!!!!!!!

[Miki]

-snortlaughdie-

That second one... I thought I would die. I was laughing silently so hard I couldn't breath. Gosh.

[Tenma]

Oh my god! That is so funny!

[Akki]

xDD
I don't suggest saying these stories over the supper table kiddies x)

[Spirithawk]

and dont tell your parents where you got them from either

[Miki]

Now you tell me...

[Spirithawk]

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor
peered over the fence. Interested in what the rosy-faced youngster was doing,
he asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?
"My goldfish died," replied little Nancy tearfully without looking up,
"and I've Just buried him."
The neighbor laughed and said condescendingly, "That's a really big hole for
a Goldfish, isn't it?"
Little Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's
because he's inside your shells cat."

[Spirithawk]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things

people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published

by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges

were actually taking place.



ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

______________________________



ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

_____________________________________



ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

______________________________________



ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you

forgot?

_____________________________________



ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

_____________________________________



ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan.

______________________________________



ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

______________________________________



ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,

he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

___________________________________



ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

______________________________________



ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh...

______________________________________



ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

______________________________________



ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

______________________________________



ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

______________________________________



ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition

notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________



ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

______________________________________



ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

______________________________________



ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an

autopsy on him!

______________________________________



ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh?

______________________________________



ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you

began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and

practicing law.

[Miki]

These people give lawyers a bad name. I'm glad my dad never goes to court- don't want him embaressing himself.

[Tenma]

Those were just hilarious!