Not exactly Home

[kestral]

Khaliall sat at the lakeside, with her knees drawn up to her chin, and hands clasped at her feet. The 14 turn old girl gazed pensively out at the water as it rippled peacefully along the shore. She wished that she could say she was becoming accustomed to the Weyr...but there was no way that she could be honest in doing so. Her elder brother of 4 turns, Tavril, had flung himself into Weyrlife enthusiastically. Perhaps it was just that he had always been a part of a busy society, but even while he still had few aquaintences, he had adapted with ease.
He was to be a Candidate. He was to stand the impressive Clutch which she had seen while it was being laid.
He was to have the chance of Impression, while she...did nothing but draw on the Weyr's resources. She was a self-conscious girl: she hated anything that would draw such attention to herself.

Khaliall would never have admitted it, but on occasions like today, she wanted to go home. What was she in the Weyr?
Tavril's tagalong little sister. If it weren't for his insistence, she would not have come at all. She was not needed.
If she should slip away, no one would notice her absence.
Her heart ached as she thought of her father, and the mother whom she had never known. Her eyes grew distant as she recalled the Hold where she had grown up.
She had never liked it there, but when one is in an unfamiliar place, any place which is the opposite seems inviting and all memories take on a dreamy, welcoming tone.
It was this way for Khaliall, on that warm day, as she sat by the lake with the wind playing with her dark hair.

A wistful sigh escaped her as her clasped hands tightened. It was a beautiful day. Shouldn't she be enjoying it? Shouldn't she be making friends? Khaliall supposed so.
But what was the point of such things? She had Tavril -who had abandoned her for something that he had not specified upon being asked to accompany her outside- and her imagination. What more did one need?
Her mind told her, nothing. Her heart told her that she needed a friend, but as was her habit, she ignored that cry. Any friends she needed were in her mind.
Those friends would never betray her, or shun her, or forget about her. The corners of her lips drooped downwards, and she struggled to retain the emotionless facade on which she had worked so hard.
Khaliall failed, but the battle was not over, as she realized in horror that her lips was quivering, and a tear was threatening to spill down her cheek.
I must not do that! she scolded herself. I am nearly a woman. I do not need to cry. I cannot be homesick! Tavril is home to me. But her protestations were not as vehement as she would have liked.
After all, this was not exactly home.

[Spirithawk]

Christae was walking through the forest that surrounded part of the Weyr. Her face was pensive. For once, she was not worrying about Weyr business. She was merely enjoying some free time while Kaith brooded over her large clutch of eggs.

The Weyrwoman was looking back on her life, remembering entering the Weyr, not knowing what would happen in the future, seeing the eggs of the old Queen lying there hardening, gazing at the great golden egg that had held Kaith. She remembered how nervous she had felt there and how she had changed over the years since she had come to Dark Moon.

She headed along the path, strolling at a gentle pace. Her young face had become careworn but was gentle. Motherhood had rounded her breast and hip but her body was lean and hard, the body of a dragonrider. Her dark brown hair was cut at shoulder length. There were crows feet at the edges of her warm brown eyes, from both worry and laughter. She made for the edge of the trees, wanting to go to the lookout rock over the lake. Young riders and Candidates were wont to leap from the rock into the icy depths of the lake below. Christae had done it several times. She considered doing so again today, just for old time's sake.

The twenty turn old blinked in the sudden sunlight as she moved out of the trees. She was a bit suprised to see a young woman sitting on the edge of the lake, not far from where Christae stood. She walked forward and noticed that the girl looked a bit upset.

"Is everything alright dear?" Christae walked forward, holding out a hand to the younger woman. She wasn't sure who this girl was but she was weyrfolk, otherwise she would not be so close to the weyr without the watchdragon questioning her.

[Tenma]

A young man made his way across the ground as he headed for the lake. For once he was not on the ground laughing, or surrounded by newfound friends. He liked it here. He had friends. Sure, most of them were girls, but there were a few boys, and none of them were like those at his hold.

All the boys there only cared about fish. This caused the candidate to snort. He never had been allowed to go fishing with the males, he did not know why, but even if he had he doubted he would be obsessed with fish. There were other things in life than those little underwater meals. That was what his father had called them.

Jakel stopped walking. His stupid father. He doubted that the man even knew his son was a candidate at Darkmoon Weyr. Even if he knew, Jakel doubted that his father would care. Jakel wasn't fish, so he wasn't important enough. No. His father didn't care, so why should he.

With a sigh, Jakel continued to head toward the lake. He always liked the water. It was calm and gave you time to think. One wouldn't expect this candidate to do any kind of thinking, but everyone needed a little time.

He was suprised to see, that when he arrived he was not alone. He was sort of hoping that the lake would be empty, but a little company never hurt. Then he realized that one of the woman were the Weyrwoman. Great, she would probably start lecturing him and the other girl. WHen he thought about it, Jakel didn't recognize the girl, and he had met a lot of people.

"Umm...hi." Jakel lifted his hand in a gentle wave as he approached the two women. He remained standing, even though one was sitting. He knew it was the right thing to do, as a male.

[kestral]

To say that Khaliall was startled to be adressed might have been an understatement. She had come here in the expectation of being alone, overlooking the fact that the lake was one of the most frequently visited places in the Weyr. Or perhaps she had not known.
As it was, she fumbled for words, gaping up at the woman, and rubbing the back of her hand across her eyes.
"Oh..." she mumbled, and, to her horror, sniffed. "I...I..."
The girl fumbled for words. Could she tell this stranger what was bothering her? The very thought was appalling. Khaliall rarely spoke at all, even to those whom she was familiar with, and had never confided in anyone but Tavril.
"Yes. Everything is fine," she concluded finally, in a small voice as she studied the woman.

Distracted from her wistful thoughts of home, she felt a little bit less sad as she clambered to her feet and gave the woman a wary look...and then her eyes widened as she saw the knots on the woman's shoulder. She gave a soft cry, and took a step backwards, hazel optics large with shock.
"You're the Weyrwoman!"
She was about to say more, though she didn't know exactly what she would say in any case, when a young man strode up.
"Hello," she murmured with a dazed dip of her head.
Why were there so many people here? Why couldn't they leave her alone with her misery?
Tavril would have said something about that being just as well, but she had had no intentions of confronting others.

But being Khaliall, she didn't want to insult anybody by not responding, and glanced back and forth between the woman and the youth from under her lashes.
"I...I'm sorry, I've probably interrupted you," she said at last, very quietly. "If you like, I can leave..."
Uncertainly, she fell into silence, and shifted a bit nervously. Out of habit, a hand crept up to twist a tumbled lock of brown hair between her fingers as she awaited a reply of some sort. A tear was threatening to spill out of her eye, and she blinked furiously in an attempt at hiding it. She could not prove her weakness to the people of the Weyr!
It was, perhaps, a childish hope, but Khaliall could not help but wish to seem strong, even when she was longing for her same, familiar surroundings, no matter that this was an improvement.

[Spirithawk]

Christae smiled gently. "It's okay to feel homesick and overwhelmed my dear." She sat down near the distressed girl. "We were all out of sorts when we first came here." She stared out over the lake. "I was once homesick beyond belief and I was ashamed because everyone else seemed so adjusted, but then I realized that we all have our worries. One of the riders had lost all of her family, others were orphans or left families and small holds that they will probably never see again. I just want to let you know that it is ok to feel unnerved by the Weyr."

"I knew I should have taken those knots off." Christae said with chagrin. "Please, don't let my position change anything. I am human just like everyone else. Trust me, being a Queenrider isn't all fun and games." She listened to the girl's stumbling apology and smiled. She laid a gentle hand on the younger woman's shoulder. "It is I who should be sorry for interrupting you. I don't mind company. I just thought a walk around the lake would be relaxing after all the chaos of the flight and the clutching."

She turned when she heard Jakel's voice. "Hello there." She fished around for a name. Kaith was no help, it was enough that she remembered riders and dragons' names. She finally remembered the name. "Jakel isn't it?" She turned to the other girl. "And your name is?"

[kestral]

Khaliall was a little bit overwhelmed. Was she really that obvious? she wondered, stunned by the woman's clear comprehension.
"Oh..." she replied vaguely, blinking bewilderedly as the woman sat down near her. "You are? You were

---

Admin's Note:[/hr]"
She couldn't picture this confident, calm woman as being homesick, and she fell silent, trying to imagine the woman in the same sort of state that she was in now. Khaliall failed, but gave her a weak smile and rubbed a hand across the back of her eyes.
"But...everyone does adapt quickly," she said uncertainly, trying to think if any of the candidates she had seen so far had looked like they missed their homes. "I...I guess it's because they're going to Impress dragons? They don't need to miss their homes since they've got that sort of chance..." Khaliall trailed off, surprised that she had spoken aloud. She had thought that she was thinking, but it seemed she had actually said those words.

The 14 turn old girl flushed. She had not meant to speak out loud.
"I guess," she added with a small sigh. "But my brother got used to it so quickly! It's like he never left home!" The chagrin in her tones must have been evident. "If it wasn't for him," she added very very quietly, "I never would've come here." She looked mildly embarassed at the Weyrwoman's words, when she spoke of her position.
"I know--I know," she breathed hastily. "Any position of rank cannot be, er, fun and games. Especially not Weyrwoman." Her cheeks turned brighter red, and she stared at her slippers.
"Well," she agreed softly, "walks are often relaxing. I used to walk around the Hold..." She stopped, and her eyes fell again. What was she doing

---

Admin's Note:[/hr] Khaliall thought that she knew better than to ramble on to the Weyrwoman.

She looked up from under her lashes, when the Weyrwoman awknowledged the young man. Had she said that his name was Jakel? Khaliall gave another of her dazed nods of greeting to him, and realized with a start that her name had been requested also. She flushed again, and twisted a strand of brown hair between her fingers in agitation.
"Oh...I'm Khaliall," she mumbled hesitantly, apalled that she had not thought to introduce herself before this. What must the Weyrwoman think of her now, rambling on without even bothering to tell her her name?!

[Spirithawk]

Christae listened to the girl with a gentle smile on her face. "We all have felt homesick at one time or another. That is nothing to be ashamed of. The other people don't adjust quickly just because they have the chance to Impress a dragon and remember that not everyone Impresses. Some people just adapt more quickly than others. Some people are better able to cope with change than others."

"There is nothing wrong with not being able to adjust easily. There is definitely nothing wrong with being homesick. I often like to sit down and remember my old Hold. Memories are great but don't dwell on them because you can't change the past. You are here now, try to make the best of it and remember, if you wish to return home, ask one of the riders or come to me. I can get one of my riders to take you home, whether for a visit or to return for good. Who knows, maybe you will Impress one day."

"Walks help because it is gentle exercise and it gives a person time to think. I don't get to walk often, but sitting on the lake shore or on the ledge of my Queen's weyr is often just as soothing. Have you ever been to one of the higher ledges and looked out over the Weyr? It is a beautiful sight to behold. One day, get a rider to take you up and look out over the weyr and surrounding land from adragonback. That is one of the most wonderous sights on Pern."

"A pleasure to meet you Khaliall. If you ever need anything, even if it is just to talk or sit in polite company, come find me. I am always glad for a break and I enjoy spending time with my people, but most of the time no one comes because they think I am too busy to deal with them. I am never to busy for anyone. So please, feel free to drop by any time you need help or want company. Anyone can point you out to my weyr or office and most of the time Kaith is sunning on her ledge so you can tell which one is my weyr.

"So, you mentioned that you had a brother here. Who is he?" Christae was curious. "I try to get to know my Candidates so that I know a bit about them and am able to watch them change after they Impress."

[kestral]

Khaliall listened with interest, chewing on her bottom lip and nodding a bit dazedly.
Everything was still--so new. So different.
So strange.
But she couldn't deny that the Weyrwoman was correct. That must be a trait that came with the ability to be Weyrwoman. Yet...still...her case wasn't the same, was it?
Candidates had something to look forward to. Didn't they?
Wouldn't that make a difference?
Khaliall wasn't so certain as she had been, and was feeling a bit sheepish for her woe. Her eyes fell, and then flickered up again as she heard Christae mention needing anything.
"I'm sure I'll be fine, ma'am," she murmured with an incline of her head, and faint smile.
She didn't know if she'd take her up on the suggestion, but few people could make Khaliall feel comfortable in their presences, and so far the Weyrwoman had succeeded. Perhaps she might, the girl awknowledged silently.
"My brother is called Tavril," she added softly, brushing back a strand of hair. "I don't know where he is lately...but I've been staying in the Candidate Barracks, even though I'm not a candidate."
Briefly, her features bore a look of alarm as she realized that she didn't know if that had been okayed with the Weyrwoman.
"Is that okay?"

[Spirithawk]

"I am sure you will be fine. You will get used to the Weyr and make new friends. I am certain of it. Just remember that I am here if you need it."

Christae looked thoughtful. "If you wish to remain in the Candidate Barracks, you are welcome to. You look old enough to stand. If not, you can wait for another Hatching. You can stay in the Barracks or we can put you in an empty room in the Lower Caverns. That is entirely up to you."

[kestral]

Another faint smile flickered across Khaliall's face, and she half-shrugged, glancing towards her clenched hands.
"Thank you, Weyrwoman," she murmured with a dip of her head. "I'm much obliged..."
But she found herself dubious that she could make new friends, when she hadn't truly had any in the first place.
And, being Khaliall, she wasn't even certain that she wanted friends.

She brightened minutely.
"Thank you!" She was silent a moment, and chewed on her bottom lip with downcast eyes. "But--where will I go when Tavril Impresses?" She hadn't thought to question whether he would (which, since there were so many candidates, he might not) but had not meant to speak aloud in any case. The young woman flushed.
"I'm sorry--that was too bold of me." The thought of being a candidate caused her eyes to widen and sparkle, but she shook her head mutely.

[Spirithawk]

((once again i replied to this and it didnt go through))

"You are welcome. Just remember that we were all new to this place once. We came here without friends and family and we made new friends and now Dark Moon is our family. You are luckier than some because your brother is here."

"You can remain as a Candidate until the next Hatching. If I am not mistaken, our Junior Queen Reinath will be having her maiden flight sooner than we would think. If you wish to stand for Kaith's clutch or Reinath's you are more than welcome to. If not, you can stay in the Weyr. We will find something for you to do that suits your character and abilities. We try to find the best place for everyone who comes here."

[kestral]

((I'm back!)

Khaliall nodded slowly, with a rare, flickering smile dancing across her grave features.
"I suppose that's true...No. I know that it is. Tavril's here, but...what am I to him?" She shrugged, and raised a wry eyebrow. "He's busy with...stuff. Candidate things."
She glanced hopefully up at Christae. "I'm pretty good at cooking, and very good at sewing or mending. If there's anything that needs to be done, I'd be happy to help..."
She faltered briefly, eyes flickering down but then her hesitant smile returned.
Darkmoon Weyr wasn't exactly home now, but in time...couldn't it become her home? It was already on it's way.

Her pallid features lit with joy, which faded after a moment of consideration.
"I would love to be a Candidate at the clutch of the Junior Queen, but for your Queen's, I think I shall simply watch my brother. He needs my support." She looked down at her clenched hands "If...If I'm to be a Candidate, though, wouldn't a dragon have to say that I'm worthy?"
Her unspoken words repeated in her mind. And a dragon wouldn't ever say that, would they?
The hope was there: the seed was planted. The damage was done?

[Spirithawk]

Christae watched the struggle of joy and fear on the girl's face. She gave her a gentle smile. "Well if he is busy with Candidate things then we will have to give you things to be busy with." She said with amusement. "How would you like to help run errands? We need someone to run messages that cannot be trusted to flitts and since we have a HAD here dragon messages are out of the question. I can also recommend you to our Headwoman. She won't work you to death but she can keep you busy."

"That is fine. No one has the right to say which Hatching you will stand for. I can't promise that Reinath will fly anytime soon but you are young and it will be a while yet before you are too old to stand at a Hatching." Christae listened to the girl's fears, a knowing smile on her face. "Even though I was Searched, I didn't think I was good enough for a dragon. Now I see that I was wrong to think that because I have my beloved Kaith. I never expected to be Weyrwoman but that comes with the joy of having my golden soulmate. There are many youths that come here and Impress without being Searched. Sometimes the ones the older dragons overlook are the ones that the dragonets make a beeline for. There are many instances of dragonets going for members of the audience. Do not fear on that account. If a dragonet wants you, he or she will find you.