Post by Spirithawk on Nov 30, 2009 21:48:22 GMT -5
Veiled
“So far, three robberies have been reported. The police refused to comment but urge women to remain indoors after dark unless absolutely necessary, and to take precautions when walking to and from their vehicles…”
The volume was low, but I couldn’t go back to sleep. Darkness hovered, ready to overtake me, but the murmur of a television held it at bay. I opened my eyes, blinking at the blinding whiteness of the stark, sterile walls. Tubes ran from my arms and nose and light flashed from metal rails off to the side. There was a blurry mass to my right.
Where am I? I didn’t recognize the room. Something felt wrong and I winced as the needle of my IV dug into my hand. I unclenched my fist, trying to remember where I was. I shook my head to clear the fog. I could remember a staircase in a busy mall and a baby in my arms. I could remember my scream as a man jostled me, but nothing else.
“Oh God,” I choked on my dry throat and began coughing. A cup was pressed to my mouth and I sipped greedily before it was pulled back.
“Easy Shyla, not so fast.” I looked up, blinking to clear my vision.
Bloodshot blue eyes stared back at me. The man’s sandy blonde hair was ruffled from his hand raking through it one too many times. The buttoned down blue dress shirt and tie was rumpled and crooked on his sturdy frame. He looked familiar, but for the life of me, I couldn’t remember who he was.
“You’re awake.” His voice was raspy from lack of sleep and too much coffee. Tears had dried tracks down is face. “Thank God you’re awake!” He squeezed the hand I had just realized he was holding.
“The baby. I fell with a baby.” I couldn’t remember what had happened after I lost my balance. I fought down a rising panic.
“Aiden is fine, just a few bruises. You shielded him with your body as you fell.” I could hear the relief in his voice.
“Who’s Aiden?” I could see the shock in his eyes, and I watched as it was replaced by horror.
“I’m going to get the doctor.” He kissed my forehead and hurried out of the room with purposeful strides. Obviously he knew me. So why couldn’t I place him? Why was he so shocked that I didn’t recognize the baby? I was still having trouble processing the information. The short man who entered a few moments later was just as much a stranger to me as the man who returned with him. I waited patiently as the stout, balding doctor peered into my eyes, nose, and ears, and announced that I was lucky to be alive and conscious and was healing properly.
“That’s great. How soon before she can come home?”
“In a few days. We need to run some more tests to make sure everything is fine. Your wife’s injuries were quite extensive,” the balding man took a pen from his lab coat and began writing on a clipboard.
Wife. So this man was my husband? I glanced down at my left hand. Sure enough, there was a tell-tale ring of paler skin around my left finger where a ring should have been. The doctors must have removed it. I remembered that you couldn’t have metal on for an x-ray. How did I know to look for that? Why could I remember all these details and not who my supposed husband was?
“Who are you?” I managed, after finally being allowed some water.
“Why, I forgot to introduce myself, I am Dr. Kolar.”
“Not you, him.” I pointed to the other man, and watched as the initial hurt changed to horror.
“You don’t remember me? You don’t remember Aiden?”
“No.”
“Oh dear,” said Dr. Kolar.
“I’m Eric. We’ve been married for six years Shyla,” incredulity laced his tone and the tension that had eased from his frame when I awoke returned.
“Mr. Larsen, I believe I can answer that question for both of you. I’m afraid your wife has amnesia. It is quite common with head trauma. We’ll have to do some more tests to be sure…”
“What happened?” They were talking over my head, and I was starting to get annoyed, but at least I knew what my name was now Shyla. Shyla Larsen. My husband was Eric Larsen. It didn’t help. Names could tell me nothing about who I was.
“Mrs. Larsen, you fell down a flight of stairs. You’ve been unconscious for quite some time. I think this is enough excitement for now. I ‘m giving you a mild sedative, and then I’ll schedule the tests that we need to determine the extent of the damage.”
I gritted my teeth. The blank gaps in my memory left me feeling that nagging feeling that I get when I forgot my purse or keys, and it just wouldn’t go away until I remembered what it was I forgot, usually when it was too late. I felt some pressure on my hand and looked up.
Eric smiled at me, trying to hide the worry behind his eyes. “Everything’s going to be ok. We’re going to get through this.” He felt solid to me. Instinct had me smiling tightly at him.
I felt coolness of the medication rush through the IV into my veins. I heard Eric murmur not to fight it, and the room faded to black. I couldn’t tell how many hours had passed from the time the doctor gave me the sedative to the moment I woke up.
“Good, you’re awake Mrs. Larsen. We have some tests scheduled for you in about an hour. Dr. Kolar wants to know the moment you wake. I’ll go get him.” An unfamiliar nurse wrote something on her clipboard and glanced at the monitors keeping tabs on my vitals before leaving the room.
"Mommy! You're up. I wanted to wake you but Daddy said you needed sleep. Aiden made a poopy and I got to help May-may change his diaper. He’s heavy!" I stared at the pigtailed little bouncer who could only be about five years old. My husband caught my questioning gaze.
"Cassie, Mommy just woke up. Why don't you go tell May-may and bring Aiden,” when she skipped out of the room, he turned to me. "Cassie is our eldest. You had Aiden 6 months ago in a couple of days. May-may is what Cas calls my mother Melinda. "
The doctor tried to intervene. "Mr. Larsen, feeding her the information isn’t a good idea. We don’t know the extent of the damage. It is best not to push her."
"Cassie won't understand, and you don't know how long her memory will be gone. There are things she needs to know right now.” I could see the restrained frustration in his frame and hear the tension in his voice
“It is best that you try to let her remember on her own.” Dr. Kolar gave Eric a sympathetic look, but his voice was stern.
I cleared my throat, and the doctor had the grace to blush. Eric ducked his head. "Sorry," he muttered. I had the feeling that we’d had a discussion about his speaking for me before. I don't know how I knew it, but I did. Maybe my memory was coming back after all. Then again, maybe not. I didn’t recognize the statuesque brunette in her early fifties. The infant she was carrying was familiar. He was the baby I had been holding when I fell. Eric had called him Aiden. My only memory of him was from just before the fall. I couldn’t remember my own children! I fought down the bile rising in my throat.
~~~~
“That was Dr. Kolar. He wants to do more tests to see if there is any improvement.” Eric held the phone to his chest, looking questioningly at me. He didn’t like the doctor, but I had to consent to the tests.
“No more tests.” I sprayed more detangler on the strawberry blonde ringlets. Cassie had my coloring, but Eric’s curls. I hated the endless rounds of poking and prodding every week, twice a week if Dr. Kolar could manage for the past three months. I had flashes of memories, a smell or a face, but I could never place any of them. Sometimes meeting the person again triggered a small memory, sometimes it was a photo, but all too often, there was just frustration and hurt when I met up with someone and didn’t remember. Dr. Kolar was beginning to think that the damage was permanent. The phone rang again.
“Don’t answer. Unknown number, probably another telemarketer.” Eric set the cordless down on the charger and let the machine pick up.
“Have you ever wanted a…” BEEP. Eric pressed the delete button on the machine to stop the message.
“Momma, who was that?” Cassie looked up at me with curious eyes. I was glad that she had barely been touched by all this. She was only too happy to help Mommy “remember.” She thought it was a game. It was funny how the adults were the ones who were hurt by my lack of memory instead of my five-year-old daughter who didn’t understand what was going on.
“It was someone trying to sell something honey.”
“Oh! Like a commercial?”
“Yeah honey, just like that,” Eric kissed the top of her head. “Why don’t you go brush your teeth and hop in bed, Princess? Mommy and I will come to kiss you goodnight when you’re ready.” Cassie kissed both of us and then hopped off to the bathroom, singing in her high child’s voice.
“I thought you said we put the number on the do not call list four months ago?”
“I thought so too. I’m going to call the phone company and see if there is anything else we can do.” I watched him rake his hands through his hair again.
I watched as he stalked away from the witness stand, allowing the words he had just spoken to sink in before he turned back to fire another question at the witness. I was so proud of him. He was very close to winning this case. It would mean a promotion soon if he kept winning every case he prosecuted. I loved how his hands raked through the sandy blonde curls. He was due for another haircut. He disliked how the curls made him look softer so he kept the hair cut short. I thought it made him look more handsome.
“Shyla, are you there?” I blinked back to the present.
“I remember you cross-examining a thin man; he looked kind of rat-like. You were questioning details in his statement.”
“That was two years ago. I got promoted soon after,” there was a hint of satisfaction in his voice and I knew it wasn’t just from memory of the promotion. “I’m still calling Terry. They need to know about this,” he gripped my arm, his blue eyes intense.
“Did you think about what we were going to do for my vacation time in two weeks?” He avoided my eyes.
“She called to offer again?”
“Yeah,” Eric poured two cups of coffee and added milk to one before handing it to me. I watched the milk create a caramel swirl in the black coffee, waiting for him to present his case again. I didn’t have long to wait. “She’s offered to pay for the plane tickets. It’s beautiful out in Montana this time of year.” I could tell that he was trying not to plead. His mother had been practically begging for us to spend Eric’s vacation with her. I could tell that they were close. I couldn’t tell if we had a good relationship before the accident. I liked her well enough in the hospital, but was that how we always got along? Maybe it didn’t matter. Dr. Kolar didn’t hold much hope for a full return of my memory. Maybe I should just build a new relationship with her. Eric cleared his throat, and I looked up. He gave me a questioning look.
“School.” He had already thwarted my other arguments the last time we discussed this, and even I knew that school was a feeble argument. Cassie wouldn’t be missing much in kindergarten that her grandmother couldn’t help her with and Aiden was too young. “Call her and see when the flight is for,” relief and joy shone in his blue eyes when I capitulated. I wondered if I had always given in so easily to those pleading blue eyes.
~~~~~~~~~~
“You really shouldn’t be back here Shyla. You know you have leave for as long as you need it,” Jenny’s ink-stained fingers fiddled with her glasses.
“I’m useless at home. Eric won’t let me touch the housework, and we have hospital bills to pay. I still have all my skills. I just can’t remember details like names. I have everything in my files don’t I. How hard can taking dictations be? It would keep me busy. I can’t just stay at home waiting for a snippet of a memory that won’t fully come back or won’t make sense because I can’t remember what happened before or after it.” Frustration laced my tone, and I forced myself to stop. Fuming about it wouldn’t do any good.
I held her eyes with mine, mentally willing her to agree. I couldn’t stand staying home one more day, waiting. I missed the children, but Cassie was in kindergarten, and Aiden was in day care that had been paid for before the accident. I already couldn’t remember most of their short lives, and the memories we had made since my fall were doubly precious to me. I had already argued my point with Eric for several days. He wasn’t happy about my return to work, but he couldn’t really stop me. His office was in the courthouse across the street, and I couldn’t be in a safer place than in the busy real estate office with the police station next door. There weren’t even any stairs for me to fall down. Jenny was my final obstacle.
“Just put me editing or typing up notes or something. I just need to work,” I let a bit more desperation enter my tone, and hid my smile when her shoulders dropped. I had won.
“You must have picked up some arguing skills from your husband. I’ll drop off some notes that you can type up. After you’re done with that, I’ll consider giving you more work. I don’t want you overdoing it.”
“I won’t,” I felt like crossing my fingers like I used to do when I was a child.
“You have to promise not to laugh,” Connor insisted.
“I promise,” my fingers were crossed behind my back.
“I still wet the bed,” he whispered and I couldn’t help myself. I began laughing and his face reddened. “You promised.”
“I had my fingers crossed!” I said with glee.
It was just an old memory, but it was something. Eric’s detective friend Connor had told me we went way back. Now I could at least place him in my childhood, but that didn’t resolve the problem.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
“How’s my favorite girl?” I smiled as Eric’s voice sounded over my phone. I worked the cramps out of my fingers and pushed the rolling chair back away from the desk.
“Your favorite girl has just about typed her fingers off,” I teased back. This felt natural, like we had done this a thousand times before. I just wished I could remember those times.
“Meeting me for lunch?”
“Wouldn’t miss it,” I could hear Eric chuckle, but then he fell silent. When he took in a deep breath and held it, I knew he had something else on his mind. “What’s wrong?”
“Dr. Kolar called again and left a message on the machine. He said that last test came back. He wants to know if anything’s changed.” I could hear the hope in his voice.
I thought for a few moments, trying to push at the veil that hid my memories from me. “Not really. Sorry.”
“It’s ok honey,” his desk phone rang in the background. “Shyla? I have a call. See you at lunch. Love you,” he hung up before I could answer.
I could feel the information lurking just under the surface, but I knew if I pushed too hard to remember, it would slip away.
Crash!
I spun at the sound of shattering glass. Shards from the tall windows in my office littered the dove grey carpet. I could hear the shouts from the pedestrians through the gaping hole in my window. A burly woman pulled a young man by his ear towards the police station.
“Are you okay?” A panicked Jenny rushed into the room. I realized that I was shaking. The chunk of concrete that had smashed through the glass was lying in the middle of the room. It had landed not far from my head. Dr. Kolar had been very explicit about not reinjuring my head. My brain had gone through enough trama.
“Shyla!” Eric rushed into the room, followed by several policemen from the precinct next door. I allowed myself to be hauled into his arms as the officers examined the rock and the glass.
“Are you alright Mrs. Larsen?” I could remember that his name was Terry, the police chief, but I still couldn’t remember my past association with him.
“I’m fine. Just shaken up.”
“I told you that boy wasn’t going to stop!” Eric exploded. He released me to face Terry. “He is a menace! His mother won’t do anything with him and you don’t want to put him in juvenile detention because his father isn’t around. I ought to knock some sense into that boy myself.”
“You know I can’t let you do that Eric. He said that he didn’t mean to break the window.”
“That’s bullshit, and you know it. He’s been up to no good for a while. He painted old man Brandon’s new yard gnomes pink, spray painted the school, broke into Gerard’s shed, and God knows what else and you can’t do anything to him because you don’t have proof. Well you’ve got proof now.” I winced at the dull thud that accompanied Eric smashing his fist into the pale blue wall.
“Eric!” the glass crunched under my heels as I grabbed his hand. His knuckles were already bruising, and I could see the indentation from his fist in the painted sheetrock wall. He winced as I gently pressed his knuckles, looking for any sign of a break. He removed his hand from mine and shook it out.
I watched him go, knowing he would be back soon to apologize for losing his temper. Somehow I knew that he always regretted his rash temper. Terry’s voice broke through my thoughts.
“Are you sure you’re ok Shyla? The rock didn’t hit you? He really is a good boy, just upset because his father left town.”
“I’m fine Terry. No, the rock didn’t hit me. It scared me more than anything.”
“I’m going to make sure that he doesn’t do anything like that again.” Terry picked up the rock. “I just don’t know what to do to help him.”
“Lock him up for a couple of nights might help him.” I frowned at Eric’s form in the doorway.
“Maybe he should have to repaint Brandon’s gnomes, clean the paint off the school, and work off the price of the windows he broke.” I offered the idea to try to appease both.
“That’s a good idea Shyla. I think I’m going to try that. Eric, don’t punch any more walls, or I’m going to get you to replace Jenny’s sheetrock.” I smiled when Eric ducked his head. “I’ll see you both in church Sunday.”
~~~~~~~~~~
My fingers gripped the wheel of my car as I swung through traffic. I sped up to make the light and then slowed again. I didn’t want to miss my turn.
Turn right, then turn left. Your destination is on the right. The navigation system’s inflectionless voice filled the car. I still had trouble finding my way around town. I felt like I should know this route by now, but the information remained hidden, and if I pushed at the veil too hard, it would break, and I would lose the information.
Eric was sitting in our kitchen when I arrived home. I brushed a tear away from my face, and then another. His arms wrapped around my waist and I buried my head into his chest and let the torrent of tears loose.
“Shh. It’s ok baby. We’ll get through it.”
“My hippocampus sustained too much damage to repair itself. The bits and pieces that I can remember are all that I’m going to get. I won’t be able to remember everything.”
“Then we’ll build new memories.” He had been my solid rock throughout my recovery and battle to remember. I realized that this must be hurting him as much as it was hurting me. I couldn’t remember if I liked the person I was. I could only act on instinct and hope that what I did wouldn’t cause trouble. He had lost his wife in a sense. The woman I had been, the woman he had known for well over 6 years, was lost in a sense. The sound of the door opening interrupted my thoughts.
“Mommy. I’m home!” Cassie bounded through the door. My neighbor stood in the door with Aiden in her arms. Her daughter was in the same day care as Aiden and Cassie had stayed to play with a friend across the street. The lady waved as she returned to her house from walking Cassie home. “Can we have brownies?”
“Did you eat dinner?” Eric asked her.
“Not yet. Mrs. Temil said they are going to her mother’s for dinner.”
“I’ll make brownies for you after dinner.” I laughed as she wrapped her arms around my knees. I might not have my past, but I had my future. Eric was right. We could build new memories. I could remember new things, just not old ones. If I hated the person I was in the past, I had the chance at a new beginning. I would re-create myself, and relearn my family and friends.
~~~~~~
“Can’t it wait until tomorrow?” I picked up my keys as Eric frowned at me from his computer.
“I promised Cassie I’d make brownies. I don’t have the mix or the stuff I need to make them from scratch. I’m just going to run down to the store.”
“It’s already dark. I’d go myself but…”
“You need to get your work done.” I interrupted him. “Don’t worry so much. I’m going to be right back.” I whistled as I put my coat on and stepped out the door. The thin sliver of a moon didn’t do much to light the way. I remembered where the grocery store was from previous trips to shop for groceries. As I wandered through the shelves, I wondered what kind of brownies I had liked. Cassie had told me she didn’t care what kind. Maybe I would buy two kinds and try them both. I grabbed a box of chocolate fudge and another of turtle brownies and headed to the checkout.
“Here you go Mrs. Larsen, $2.50 is your change.”
“Thank you.” I couldn’t remember his name, but that would change. I walked briskly out into the cool night air and fumbled in my purse for my keys.
“Drop the purse and I won’t hurt you.” The gravelly voice made me freeze. I could feel the point of something at my back. I slowly held the purse out away from me and dropped it, hoping the robber would go for the purse and leave me alone.
“Hey, what are you doing over there?” I closed my eyes in relief as someone else came out of the supermarket. I shrieked as the robber grabbed me.
“Stay over there.” I could feel the vibration of his voice, and the harshness of his breathing against my body.
“I’m calling the police.” I could hear footsteps running closer and then I was thrust away from the robber. I felt a burning pain enter my back and I screamed as I fell to my knees. I couldn’t hold myself up. My body slumped to the ground. I could feel warmth spreading below me as my vision began to dim.
“Ma’am hold on. The ambulance is on its way.” My would-be hero was at my side, but I couldn’t see him. I felt like I should feel panic, but I couldn’t. An odd displacement kept me from thinking clearly. My life had been full, at least that’s what I had been told, and I could be at peace with the woman I had become in the short time I had since my accident. The rush of wings accompanied the blackness that filled my vision, and I succumbed to the inevitability that was death.
“So far, three robberies have been reported. The police refused to comment but urge women to remain indoors after dark unless absolutely necessary, and to take precautions when walking to and from their vehicles…”
The volume was low, but I couldn’t go back to sleep. Darkness hovered, ready to overtake me, but the murmur of a television held it at bay. I opened my eyes, blinking at the blinding whiteness of the stark, sterile walls. Tubes ran from my arms and nose and light flashed from metal rails off to the side. There was a blurry mass to my right.
Where am I? I didn’t recognize the room. Something felt wrong and I winced as the needle of my IV dug into my hand. I unclenched my fist, trying to remember where I was. I shook my head to clear the fog. I could remember a staircase in a busy mall and a baby in my arms. I could remember my scream as a man jostled me, but nothing else.
“Oh God,” I choked on my dry throat and began coughing. A cup was pressed to my mouth and I sipped greedily before it was pulled back.
“Easy Shyla, not so fast.” I looked up, blinking to clear my vision.
Bloodshot blue eyes stared back at me. The man’s sandy blonde hair was ruffled from his hand raking through it one too many times. The buttoned down blue dress shirt and tie was rumpled and crooked on his sturdy frame. He looked familiar, but for the life of me, I couldn’t remember who he was.
“You’re awake.” His voice was raspy from lack of sleep and too much coffee. Tears had dried tracks down is face. “Thank God you’re awake!” He squeezed the hand I had just realized he was holding.
“The baby. I fell with a baby.” I couldn’t remember what had happened after I lost my balance. I fought down a rising panic.
“Aiden is fine, just a few bruises. You shielded him with your body as you fell.” I could hear the relief in his voice.
“Who’s Aiden?” I could see the shock in his eyes, and I watched as it was replaced by horror.
“I’m going to get the doctor.” He kissed my forehead and hurried out of the room with purposeful strides. Obviously he knew me. So why couldn’t I place him? Why was he so shocked that I didn’t recognize the baby? I was still having trouble processing the information. The short man who entered a few moments later was just as much a stranger to me as the man who returned with him. I waited patiently as the stout, balding doctor peered into my eyes, nose, and ears, and announced that I was lucky to be alive and conscious and was healing properly.
“That’s great. How soon before she can come home?”
“In a few days. We need to run some more tests to make sure everything is fine. Your wife’s injuries were quite extensive,” the balding man took a pen from his lab coat and began writing on a clipboard.
Wife. So this man was my husband? I glanced down at my left hand. Sure enough, there was a tell-tale ring of paler skin around my left finger where a ring should have been. The doctors must have removed it. I remembered that you couldn’t have metal on for an x-ray. How did I know to look for that? Why could I remember all these details and not who my supposed husband was?
“Who are you?” I managed, after finally being allowed some water.
“Why, I forgot to introduce myself, I am Dr. Kolar.”
“Not you, him.” I pointed to the other man, and watched as the initial hurt changed to horror.
“You don’t remember me? You don’t remember Aiden?”
“No.”
“Oh dear,” said Dr. Kolar.
“I’m Eric. We’ve been married for six years Shyla,” incredulity laced his tone and the tension that had eased from his frame when I awoke returned.
“Mr. Larsen, I believe I can answer that question for both of you. I’m afraid your wife has amnesia. It is quite common with head trauma. We’ll have to do some more tests to be sure…”
“What happened?” They were talking over my head, and I was starting to get annoyed, but at least I knew what my name was now Shyla. Shyla Larsen. My husband was Eric Larsen. It didn’t help. Names could tell me nothing about who I was.
“Mrs. Larsen, you fell down a flight of stairs. You’ve been unconscious for quite some time. I think this is enough excitement for now. I ‘m giving you a mild sedative, and then I’ll schedule the tests that we need to determine the extent of the damage.”
I gritted my teeth. The blank gaps in my memory left me feeling that nagging feeling that I get when I forgot my purse or keys, and it just wouldn’t go away until I remembered what it was I forgot, usually when it was too late. I felt some pressure on my hand and looked up.
Eric smiled at me, trying to hide the worry behind his eyes. “Everything’s going to be ok. We’re going to get through this.” He felt solid to me. Instinct had me smiling tightly at him.
I felt coolness of the medication rush through the IV into my veins. I heard Eric murmur not to fight it, and the room faded to black. I couldn’t tell how many hours had passed from the time the doctor gave me the sedative to the moment I woke up.
“Good, you’re awake Mrs. Larsen. We have some tests scheduled for you in about an hour. Dr. Kolar wants to know the moment you wake. I’ll go get him.” An unfamiliar nurse wrote something on her clipboard and glanced at the monitors keeping tabs on my vitals before leaving the room.
"Mommy! You're up. I wanted to wake you but Daddy said you needed sleep. Aiden made a poopy and I got to help May-may change his diaper. He’s heavy!" I stared at the pigtailed little bouncer who could only be about five years old. My husband caught my questioning gaze.
"Cassie, Mommy just woke up. Why don't you go tell May-may and bring Aiden,” when she skipped out of the room, he turned to me. "Cassie is our eldest. You had Aiden 6 months ago in a couple of days. May-may is what Cas calls my mother Melinda. "
The doctor tried to intervene. "Mr. Larsen, feeding her the information isn’t a good idea. We don’t know the extent of the damage. It is best not to push her."
"Cassie won't understand, and you don't know how long her memory will be gone. There are things she needs to know right now.” I could see the restrained frustration in his frame and hear the tension in his voice
“It is best that you try to let her remember on her own.” Dr. Kolar gave Eric a sympathetic look, but his voice was stern.
I cleared my throat, and the doctor had the grace to blush. Eric ducked his head. "Sorry," he muttered. I had the feeling that we’d had a discussion about his speaking for me before. I don't know how I knew it, but I did. Maybe my memory was coming back after all. Then again, maybe not. I didn’t recognize the statuesque brunette in her early fifties. The infant she was carrying was familiar. He was the baby I had been holding when I fell. Eric had called him Aiden. My only memory of him was from just before the fall. I couldn’t remember my own children! I fought down the bile rising in my throat.
~~~~
“That was Dr. Kolar. He wants to do more tests to see if there is any improvement.” Eric held the phone to his chest, looking questioningly at me. He didn’t like the doctor, but I had to consent to the tests.
“No more tests.” I sprayed more detangler on the strawberry blonde ringlets. Cassie had my coloring, but Eric’s curls. I hated the endless rounds of poking and prodding every week, twice a week if Dr. Kolar could manage for the past three months. I had flashes of memories, a smell or a face, but I could never place any of them. Sometimes meeting the person again triggered a small memory, sometimes it was a photo, but all too often, there was just frustration and hurt when I met up with someone and didn’t remember. Dr. Kolar was beginning to think that the damage was permanent. The phone rang again.
“Don’t answer. Unknown number, probably another telemarketer.” Eric set the cordless down on the charger and let the machine pick up.
“Have you ever wanted a…” BEEP. Eric pressed the delete button on the machine to stop the message.
“Momma, who was that?” Cassie looked up at me with curious eyes. I was glad that she had barely been touched by all this. She was only too happy to help Mommy “remember.” She thought it was a game. It was funny how the adults were the ones who were hurt by my lack of memory instead of my five-year-old daughter who didn’t understand what was going on.
“It was someone trying to sell something honey.”
“Oh! Like a commercial?”
“Yeah honey, just like that,” Eric kissed the top of her head. “Why don’t you go brush your teeth and hop in bed, Princess? Mommy and I will come to kiss you goodnight when you’re ready.” Cassie kissed both of us and then hopped off to the bathroom, singing in her high child’s voice.
“I thought you said we put the number on the do not call list four months ago?”
“I thought so too. I’m going to call the phone company and see if there is anything else we can do.” I watched him rake his hands through his hair again.
I watched as he stalked away from the witness stand, allowing the words he had just spoken to sink in before he turned back to fire another question at the witness. I was so proud of him. He was very close to winning this case. It would mean a promotion soon if he kept winning every case he prosecuted. I loved how his hands raked through the sandy blonde curls. He was due for another haircut. He disliked how the curls made him look softer so he kept the hair cut short. I thought it made him look more handsome.
“Shyla, are you there?” I blinked back to the present.
“I remember you cross-examining a thin man; he looked kind of rat-like. You were questioning details in his statement.”
“That was two years ago. I got promoted soon after,” there was a hint of satisfaction in his voice and I knew it wasn’t just from memory of the promotion. “I’m still calling Terry. They need to know about this,” he gripped my arm, his blue eyes intense.
“Did you think about what we were going to do for my vacation time in two weeks?” He avoided my eyes.
“She called to offer again?”
“Yeah,” Eric poured two cups of coffee and added milk to one before handing it to me. I watched the milk create a caramel swirl in the black coffee, waiting for him to present his case again. I didn’t have long to wait. “She’s offered to pay for the plane tickets. It’s beautiful out in Montana this time of year.” I could tell that he was trying not to plead. His mother had been practically begging for us to spend Eric’s vacation with her. I could tell that they were close. I couldn’t tell if we had a good relationship before the accident. I liked her well enough in the hospital, but was that how we always got along? Maybe it didn’t matter. Dr. Kolar didn’t hold much hope for a full return of my memory. Maybe I should just build a new relationship with her. Eric cleared his throat, and I looked up. He gave me a questioning look.
“School.” He had already thwarted my other arguments the last time we discussed this, and even I knew that school was a feeble argument. Cassie wouldn’t be missing much in kindergarten that her grandmother couldn’t help her with and Aiden was too young. “Call her and see when the flight is for,” relief and joy shone in his blue eyes when I capitulated. I wondered if I had always given in so easily to those pleading blue eyes.
~~~~~~~~~~
“You really shouldn’t be back here Shyla. You know you have leave for as long as you need it,” Jenny’s ink-stained fingers fiddled with her glasses.
“I’m useless at home. Eric won’t let me touch the housework, and we have hospital bills to pay. I still have all my skills. I just can’t remember details like names. I have everything in my files don’t I. How hard can taking dictations be? It would keep me busy. I can’t just stay at home waiting for a snippet of a memory that won’t fully come back or won’t make sense because I can’t remember what happened before or after it.” Frustration laced my tone, and I forced myself to stop. Fuming about it wouldn’t do any good.
I held her eyes with mine, mentally willing her to agree. I couldn’t stand staying home one more day, waiting. I missed the children, but Cassie was in kindergarten, and Aiden was in day care that had been paid for before the accident. I already couldn’t remember most of their short lives, and the memories we had made since my fall were doubly precious to me. I had already argued my point with Eric for several days. He wasn’t happy about my return to work, but he couldn’t really stop me. His office was in the courthouse across the street, and I couldn’t be in a safer place than in the busy real estate office with the police station next door. There weren’t even any stairs for me to fall down. Jenny was my final obstacle.
“Just put me editing or typing up notes or something. I just need to work,” I let a bit more desperation enter my tone, and hid my smile when her shoulders dropped. I had won.
“You must have picked up some arguing skills from your husband. I’ll drop off some notes that you can type up. After you’re done with that, I’ll consider giving you more work. I don’t want you overdoing it.”
“I won’t,” I felt like crossing my fingers like I used to do when I was a child.
“You have to promise not to laugh,” Connor insisted.
“I promise,” my fingers were crossed behind my back.
“I still wet the bed,” he whispered and I couldn’t help myself. I began laughing and his face reddened. “You promised.”
“I had my fingers crossed!” I said with glee.
It was just an old memory, but it was something. Eric’s detective friend Connor had told me we went way back. Now I could at least place him in my childhood, but that didn’t resolve the problem.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
“How’s my favorite girl?” I smiled as Eric’s voice sounded over my phone. I worked the cramps out of my fingers and pushed the rolling chair back away from the desk.
“Your favorite girl has just about typed her fingers off,” I teased back. This felt natural, like we had done this a thousand times before. I just wished I could remember those times.
“Meeting me for lunch?”
“Wouldn’t miss it,” I could hear Eric chuckle, but then he fell silent. When he took in a deep breath and held it, I knew he had something else on his mind. “What’s wrong?”
“Dr. Kolar called again and left a message on the machine. He said that last test came back. He wants to know if anything’s changed.” I could hear the hope in his voice.
I thought for a few moments, trying to push at the veil that hid my memories from me. “Not really. Sorry.”
“It’s ok honey,” his desk phone rang in the background. “Shyla? I have a call. See you at lunch. Love you,” he hung up before I could answer.
I could feel the information lurking just under the surface, but I knew if I pushed too hard to remember, it would slip away.
Crash!
I spun at the sound of shattering glass. Shards from the tall windows in my office littered the dove grey carpet. I could hear the shouts from the pedestrians through the gaping hole in my window. A burly woman pulled a young man by his ear towards the police station.
“Are you okay?” A panicked Jenny rushed into the room. I realized that I was shaking. The chunk of concrete that had smashed through the glass was lying in the middle of the room. It had landed not far from my head. Dr. Kolar had been very explicit about not reinjuring my head. My brain had gone through enough trama.
“Shyla!” Eric rushed into the room, followed by several policemen from the precinct next door. I allowed myself to be hauled into his arms as the officers examined the rock and the glass.
“Are you alright Mrs. Larsen?” I could remember that his name was Terry, the police chief, but I still couldn’t remember my past association with him.
“I’m fine. Just shaken up.”
“I told you that boy wasn’t going to stop!” Eric exploded. He released me to face Terry. “He is a menace! His mother won’t do anything with him and you don’t want to put him in juvenile detention because his father isn’t around. I ought to knock some sense into that boy myself.”
“You know I can’t let you do that Eric. He said that he didn’t mean to break the window.”
“That’s bullshit, and you know it. He’s been up to no good for a while. He painted old man Brandon’s new yard gnomes pink, spray painted the school, broke into Gerard’s shed, and God knows what else and you can’t do anything to him because you don’t have proof. Well you’ve got proof now.” I winced at the dull thud that accompanied Eric smashing his fist into the pale blue wall.
“Eric!” the glass crunched under my heels as I grabbed his hand. His knuckles were already bruising, and I could see the indentation from his fist in the painted sheetrock wall. He winced as I gently pressed his knuckles, looking for any sign of a break. He removed his hand from mine and shook it out.
I watched him go, knowing he would be back soon to apologize for losing his temper. Somehow I knew that he always regretted his rash temper. Terry’s voice broke through my thoughts.
“Are you sure you’re ok Shyla? The rock didn’t hit you? He really is a good boy, just upset because his father left town.”
“I’m fine Terry. No, the rock didn’t hit me. It scared me more than anything.”
“I’m going to make sure that he doesn’t do anything like that again.” Terry picked up the rock. “I just don’t know what to do to help him.”
“Lock him up for a couple of nights might help him.” I frowned at Eric’s form in the doorway.
“Maybe he should have to repaint Brandon’s gnomes, clean the paint off the school, and work off the price of the windows he broke.” I offered the idea to try to appease both.
“That’s a good idea Shyla. I think I’m going to try that. Eric, don’t punch any more walls, or I’m going to get you to replace Jenny’s sheetrock.” I smiled when Eric ducked his head. “I’ll see you both in church Sunday.”
~~~~~~~~~~
My fingers gripped the wheel of my car as I swung through traffic. I sped up to make the light and then slowed again. I didn’t want to miss my turn.
Turn right, then turn left. Your destination is on the right. The navigation system’s inflectionless voice filled the car. I still had trouble finding my way around town. I felt like I should know this route by now, but the information remained hidden, and if I pushed at the veil too hard, it would break, and I would lose the information.
Eric was sitting in our kitchen when I arrived home. I brushed a tear away from my face, and then another. His arms wrapped around my waist and I buried my head into his chest and let the torrent of tears loose.
“Shh. It’s ok baby. We’ll get through it.”
“My hippocampus sustained too much damage to repair itself. The bits and pieces that I can remember are all that I’m going to get. I won’t be able to remember everything.”
“Then we’ll build new memories.” He had been my solid rock throughout my recovery and battle to remember. I realized that this must be hurting him as much as it was hurting me. I couldn’t remember if I liked the person I was. I could only act on instinct and hope that what I did wouldn’t cause trouble. He had lost his wife in a sense. The woman I had been, the woman he had known for well over 6 years, was lost in a sense. The sound of the door opening interrupted my thoughts.
“Mommy. I’m home!” Cassie bounded through the door. My neighbor stood in the door with Aiden in her arms. Her daughter was in the same day care as Aiden and Cassie had stayed to play with a friend across the street. The lady waved as she returned to her house from walking Cassie home. “Can we have brownies?”
“Did you eat dinner?” Eric asked her.
“Not yet. Mrs. Temil said they are going to her mother’s for dinner.”
“I’ll make brownies for you after dinner.” I laughed as she wrapped her arms around my knees. I might not have my past, but I had my future. Eric was right. We could build new memories. I could remember new things, just not old ones. If I hated the person I was in the past, I had the chance at a new beginning. I would re-create myself, and relearn my family and friends.
~~~~~~
“Can’t it wait until tomorrow?” I picked up my keys as Eric frowned at me from his computer.
“I promised Cassie I’d make brownies. I don’t have the mix or the stuff I need to make them from scratch. I’m just going to run down to the store.”
“It’s already dark. I’d go myself but…”
“You need to get your work done.” I interrupted him. “Don’t worry so much. I’m going to be right back.” I whistled as I put my coat on and stepped out the door. The thin sliver of a moon didn’t do much to light the way. I remembered where the grocery store was from previous trips to shop for groceries. As I wandered through the shelves, I wondered what kind of brownies I had liked. Cassie had told me she didn’t care what kind. Maybe I would buy two kinds and try them both. I grabbed a box of chocolate fudge and another of turtle brownies and headed to the checkout.
“Here you go Mrs. Larsen, $2.50 is your change.”
“Thank you.” I couldn’t remember his name, but that would change. I walked briskly out into the cool night air and fumbled in my purse for my keys.
“Drop the purse and I won’t hurt you.” The gravelly voice made me freeze. I could feel the point of something at my back. I slowly held the purse out away from me and dropped it, hoping the robber would go for the purse and leave me alone.
“Hey, what are you doing over there?” I closed my eyes in relief as someone else came out of the supermarket. I shrieked as the robber grabbed me.
“Stay over there.” I could feel the vibration of his voice, and the harshness of his breathing against my body.
“I’m calling the police.” I could hear footsteps running closer and then I was thrust away from the robber. I felt a burning pain enter my back and I screamed as I fell to my knees. I couldn’t hold myself up. My body slumped to the ground. I could feel warmth spreading below me as my vision began to dim.
“Ma’am hold on. The ambulance is on its way.” My would-be hero was at my side, but I couldn’t see him. I felt like I should feel panic, but I couldn’t. An odd displacement kept me from thinking clearly. My life had been full, at least that’s what I had been told, and I could be at peace with the woman I had become in the short time I had since my accident. The rush of wings accompanied the blackness that filled my vision, and I succumbed to the inevitability that was death.
