Post by Spirithawk on Dec 12, 2009 20:05:10 GMT -5
This will sound VERY picky. I don't mean this to be mean. You're a good writer from what I've seen. My intent is only to make you better. Let me know if you have any questions.
I'd like to know a little more about the flitt, especially since we are in the South and there are plenty of opportunities to get a flitt in the weyr. Convince me that you should be allowed to have it by giving me a better description.
Also, for the canine, describe it more. Not everyone knows what a Basenji hound looks like. Remember that the only canine lines that were brought to Pern were useful ones, herders mostly because the society was to be agrarian.
His rank would be Prospective Candidate not Prospect Candidate.
"Unlike most his age he was short, despite this his form he was generally well built." --> Unlike most his age, he was short, but despite this, his form was generally well built. (Sorry, English major. I will be nit picky, especially if you have a good bio because it will only make you better.)
"This was due to his like to explore and the amount of time he spent working in his craft." --> This was due to his like of exploring and the amount of time he spent working on his craft.
"with equal sized features" Do you mean proportionately-sized features? Equal could mean they are equally big or equally small.
Put a comma after "Like his father" Introductory phrases need commas after them. Are deep brown, not were. His eyes are still deep brown right?
Mother needs an apostrophe before the s
"Ever since a young age he’d been cheerful and generally open, and this was often showed in the glint in his eyes. "
Either - Ever since he was young, or Ever since he was at a young age, and you need a comma after (another intro phrase)
and this was often showed by the glint in his eyes -> not showed in the glint in his eyes
You might want to do yourself a favor and pop this into Microsoft word and do a spelling and grammar check. Again, I'm going to be nit picky on the grammar because I'm finding little else to complain about
Call me Grammar Nazi.
"His most prominent feature was his oddly coloured hair, a mix of dull brown and what seemed to be patches of grey in the back. This he kept with a slightly jagged front with a slight tail in the back. The lads clothes depended on the seasons "
His most prominent feature is...he's still alive, so speak about him in the present tense unless you're talking about his past.
Need to put an apostrophe after lad before the s..showing possession
"A neutral boy with a calm relaxed personality, who places a lot of faith in his instincts, his senses and the good side of others. Because of his he isn’t highly judgemental and could get along with most people."
First sentence is a fragment. Need a comma before the last and because it is an item in a sequence. Is the next one supposed to be Because of this? Or because of his ___what___? and can get along with most people not could
Why would his father's breathing be troubled if he just lost his leg? Did he get some dust in his lungs that would cause that?
The Harper Hall (not Hold) is in Fort, so if they live in Araby, she'd have to be a Master Harper or a Journeywoman assigned to Araby Hold. Is she a drudge or something similar to the Headwoman in the Weyr. The term escapes me at the moment.
How did he become a prospective Candidate or do you want to play that out?
I didn't point out all of the grammar errors. I'd like you to go through it with a fine-toothed comb and edit it for me. Since you have a really good base, I'd like it to be clean and as error free as we can get it. You'll have my approval as soon as you're finished and I glance over it again.
I'd like to know a little more about the flitt, especially since we are in the South and there are plenty of opportunities to get a flitt in the weyr. Convince me that you should be allowed to have it by giving me a better description.
Also, for the canine, describe it more. Not everyone knows what a Basenji hound looks like. Remember that the only canine lines that were brought to Pern were useful ones, herders mostly because the society was to be agrarian.
His rank would be Prospective Candidate not Prospect Candidate.
"Unlike most his age he was short, despite this his form he was generally well built." --> Unlike most his age, he was short, but despite this, his form was generally well built. (Sorry, English major. I will be nit picky, especially if you have a good bio because it will only make you better.)
"This was due to his like to explore and the amount of time he spent working in his craft." --> This was due to his like of exploring and the amount of time he spent working on his craft.
"with equal sized features" Do you mean proportionately-sized features? Equal could mean they are equally big or equally small.
Put a comma after "Like his father" Introductory phrases need commas after them. Are deep brown, not were. His eyes are still deep brown right?
Mother needs an apostrophe before the s
"Ever since a young age he’d been cheerful and generally open, and this was often showed in the glint in his eyes. "
Either - Ever since he was young, or Ever since he was at a young age, and you need a comma after (another intro phrase)
and this was often showed by the glint in his eyes -> not showed in the glint in his eyes
You might want to do yourself a favor and pop this into Microsoft word and do a spelling and grammar check. Again, I'm going to be nit picky on the grammar because I'm finding little else to complain about
Call me Grammar Nazi."His most prominent feature was his oddly coloured hair, a mix of dull brown and what seemed to be patches of grey in the back. This he kept with a slightly jagged front with a slight tail in the back. The lads clothes depended on the seasons "
His most prominent feature is...he's still alive, so speak about him in the present tense unless you're talking about his past.
Need to put an apostrophe after lad before the s..showing possession
"A neutral boy with a calm relaxed personality, who places a lot of faith in his instincts, his senses and the good side of others. Because of his he isn’t highly judgemental and could get along with most people."
First sentence is a fragment. Need a comma before the last and because it is an item in a sequence. Is the next one supposed to be Because of this? Or because of his ___what___? and can get along with most people not could
Why would his father's breathing be troubled if he just lost his leg? Did he get some dust in his lungs that would cause that?
The Harper Hall (not Hold) is in Fort, so if they live in Araby, she'd have to be a Master Harper or a Journeywoman assigned to Araby Hold. Is she a drudge or something similar to the Headwoman in the Weyr. The term escapes me at the moment.
How did he become a prospective Candidate or do you want to play that out?
I didn't point out all of the grammar errors. I'd like you to go through it with a fine-toothed comb and edit it for me. Since you have a really good base, I'd like it to be clean and as error free as we can get it. You'll have my approval as soon as you're finished and I glance over it again.